THE LIFE COACH SCHOOL PODCAST – Episode 322
“We too often want to find that one person who can take care of everything. We look for that person in our best friend or in our romantic partner. But I have found this can be a mistake.”
I am going to make today’s post really hands-on. I am going to apply the principles AS we discuss them today. I think by doing so I, myself, will leave today’s post with gratitude for where I am, and with a better sense of where I want to go. I think, again, if we are conscious about what we are doing here, we have an opportunity to create deeper connections with others and a deeper satisfaction with our lives than maybe we now have. I think this is an important work. And, do you know what, I think this is an important work to God, and if I do this, with a prayer in my heart and His work on my mind, it can elicit inspiration. I am all in.
Let’s start by defining what some of my personal relationship needs are, right now, just the way I am?
- I need someone who can really laugh with me.
- I need someone to discuss motherhood and other relationships with me.
- I need a lover.
- I need a travel companion.
- I need someone I trust to talk to about insecurities and about hopes and dreams.
- I need someone who cares where I am, every day.
- I need someone to enjoy music with me.
And Bryant meets many of my relationship needs. He wants to. Bry and I have a lot of want-matches. That’s what brought us together in the first place. But, trying to find all these things in one person is unrealistic.
“I find people in my life who want what I want, where my needs match their desire. For example, I can find a friend who really wants to be my friend. Match. I can also find someone who wants to be my coach. Match.”
Because Autumn loves to talk about motherhood, and she and I think so much alike, we are a want-match. I don’t have to wait until Bry has time to talk to me about how to help my daughter with her social needs. Autumn wants to talk about these things, and we are better moms for having each other to discuss.
Because Allyson wants to walk around the hills in our neighborhood every morning, and I want someone who will keep me doing the same, we are a want-match. Bry wants someone who will run Spartan races with him. That is not a want-match for us. But Allyson is a want-match in that area of my life, right now.
“So if I want someone who cares where I am, he always wants to know where I am, match. There are some things on this list he doesn’t want to do or can’t do. There are things on this list I want and don’t have a person who matches yet.
So instead of complaining to Chris to do them, I take it upon myself to go out into the world and find a new match, a new connection to add to my circle. I don’t have to break up with Chris in order to find a way to get all my desires met. I can simply expand my circle.
By creating a list of what you want in your connections, and who you currently have in your life, you will be able to create a match list. You will see where in your life you can deepen your current connections, ask people for what you want and see if you have a match, and then you can find new connections for anything missing.”
And as we move through phases of life, our relationship needs likely change, and our connections change. And that is fine.
“I’m now an empty-nester. And as I’ve been meeting new people and understanding what my new desires are as part of this new phase in my life, and really being brave enough to go out there and inquire with people, ‘Hey, do you want to be my friend? Do you want to be connection? Do we have this want match?’ it has been an incredible journey in self-discovery for me.”
And it feels uncomfortable for me to do that, sometimes. Maybe I don’t know the person well, and I’m not sure whether or not they want to be my friend. But, you and I have to remember, whether or not they want to be my friend, everyone wants to believe that others want to be their friends – that person will only feel complimented by my efforts. And, even if that person says no, they’re not going to be offended that I asked.
This week I wanted to deepen a connection with a woman that I really admire. I had an idea of how to reach out, but, of course, my monkey brain started saying, What if she thinks you are a dork. Then you will be rejected, and I just don’t know if you could handle that. That is what my monkey brain was saying, right. But my curiosity got the better of me. What if she doesn’t think you are a dork. What if, in fact, my friendship means more to her than I know. And if not, she won’t be angry at me for reaching out.
What areas of my life could be absolutely expanded if I became intentional about relationships that I want? And what relationships could be deepened if I would reach out?
“It’s broadening and making my life come alive in a way that I haven’t been consciously creating for a long time.”
So, let’s do this. Let’s see how many want-matches I already have, and then start by being really really thankful and excited and appreciative of what I already have.
“And then see if there’s anything that you don’t yet have that you consciously want to create in terms of your circle of friends and your circle of connection of people…
What is it for you? What is it that you want in your life? What are you craving? And instead of craving that and wanting that and feeling bad that you don’t have it, I really want to encourage you to create a plan to create it.”