Quick review from yesterday’s post: When we don’t get invited, if we don’t manage our brains, we can fall into shame, I must not be fun enough or they would have invited me, or judgement/resentment, They are so mean, I would have never left anyone out. Both shame and judgement lead to disconnection, ironically, because connection is what we are actually seeking by being invited.

Connection is a basic human need, getting rid of our desire to connect would not be healthy.

What do we do, then?

“We all want to feel wanted, needed, connected. This is healthy… But I don’t want to feel like I’m on a rollercoaster – I don’t think that’s necessary… these huge highs and these huge lows. Instead I think it should just be some light rolling hills.

So I still feel a little bit of negativity when I don’t get invited and a little bit of positivity when I do. But it’s just little rolling hills, and it’s okay, I can totally tolerate that, I can manage that kind of emotion easily, and I can still be the person that I want to be at that level of emotion.” 

How do we get there? Let’s talk about the truth of what is happening.

“Other people not inviting you somewhere does not hurt you… What hurts you is what you make that mean.”

And our tendency is to make it mean something about ourselves. It is all about me, right? Something is wrong with me, I am not fun enough, or I am a victim of their unfriendliness.

And you and I may not even be aware of this tendency. We may not see that that’s what we’re doing. But the more we can recognize this in ourselves, the more leverage we get over this rollercoaster.

What are you making this mean about you? Tell yourself the truth. What are you believing? Be vulnerable with yourself. What are you making this mean about them?

I am going to dig into the reserves of my own experience to answer these questions. So these are real thoughts I’ve had, my friends. I’m careful to put them on the “T” line, right? These are not the circumstance – these thoughts aren’t provable in any way. They are only my thoughts:

  • I am not fun enough
  • They think I am too goody goody
  • I am not nice enough
  • I am too nice
  • I am not pretty enough
  • I am not popular enough

“Let’s take that thought and let’s hold it in our hands and let’s explore it, let’s go deeper on it, let’s question it, let’s play with it… Ask yourself, what if I’m wrong about that, what if that’s not true at all?”

What are your thoughts? Do they come from or lead to shame? Self pity? Are you feeling some self-pity?

“Self-pity is one of the most toxic emotions that we create for ourselves. And we feel like it’s justified – we feel like it’s self compassion in some way. But it’s not, because it leaves you so powerless. It leaves you like a poor little wounded bird on the side of the road. Do you know what happens to the wounded bird? Someone puts it out of its misery. You’re not a wounded bird!”

Are your thoughts thoughts of blame or scarcity? As if there are not enough good friends in the world, and if she has lots of friends, there are less friends for me?

Get it a little more clear in your own mind – what is it that you are really feeling. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with those around you. If you were left out, and you honestly wanted to be a part of that activity, you could say, “That looked so fun! I’d love to go out with you if you do it again. Let me know.”


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